


Cry Me A River

by thorkified



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode 11.10 to be exact, Just a slight divergence from canon, M/M, Regret, that's basically it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 23:10:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13087407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorkified/pseuds/thorkified
Summary: Sam knows that words can hurt, but this time they do more than just that. This time they bring a realization that he is not ready for.





	Cry Me A River

That words hurt was something Sam knew from a young age already. But the words coming out of Lucifer’s mouth somehow - for whatever reason - hurt the most. He knows that he betrayed him years ago, when he jumped into the cage with him, there was no need for a reminder. He also didn’t need a reminder as to how he had tried to live a normal life when Dean was in purgatory or how selfish he was when he had left for Stanford. More than anything else, however, were seemingly unimportant words that still managed to hit Sam right where it hurt the most.

“Cry me a river, Sam,” Lucifer said and even though Sam had heard all kinds of hurtful and mean words before, those somehow hurt more than all of them.

Because Sam had cried rivers over Lucifer, didn’t he know that? Didn’t he knows that, after he had gotten his soul back, Sam had spent most nights crying and sobbing in isolation because the sheer thought of leaving Lucifer in the cage and not trying to help him was killing him? Didn’t he know that, after they had met the first time, Sam had cried rivers about the fact that he wanted nothing more than to tell Lucifer that he understood him and wanted him to get justice? Didn’t Lucifer know that he had cried whole oceans for him already?

And still, when Sam looked into Lucifer’s eyes - eyes full of anger and disappointment - he felt like none of this was good enough. None of it mattered. He had literally betrayed the one being in this world that understood him the most and delivered him into a fate worse than simple captivity or torture. No amount of tears, no matter how honest or heartbroken, could ever make up for this horrendous crime. Sam felt Lucifer’s rage and anger and he knew that he deserved all of it.

What Lucifer apparently didn’t know, was that Sam had  _ tried  _ to help him. He had summoned countless of demons, all to no avail - not to bring back Dean, but to free Lucifer. Even when he offered his own life in exchange for Lucifer’s, none of them would accept the deal. He had hunted down leprechauns and fairies, even managed to find a way to summon Oberon, the king of fairies himself - and the result was nothing. Sam knew they could get into the cage, he knew they were able to get Lucifer out, and they simply laughed about his request and threats.

Somehow, Sam didn’t think it would have changed anything if Lucifer knew, though. The result was the same - he didn’t manage to free him before and Lucifer had to suffer from the tortures of the cage all this time. If there was something he deserved, it was surely mocking and belittling. Because no matter how hard he had tried in the past, this was something where results mattered and he had none. Lucifer had to suffer an additional few hundred years in the cage, this time together with his once beloved brother and from the little Sam remembered, he knew that Lucifer wasn’t happy about this company at all.

If there would have been a way to go back and stop himself from jumping, Sam would not hesitate to go. Now he knew that it was the worst thing he could have done, but how could he have known back then? He had been naive and stupid, jumping was his only solution to stopping the apocalypse he had brought upon the planet, even if it had meant sacrificing everything. And while he had regained his soul and freedom, he knew that there was one thing that he couldn’t get back, no matter how much he tried: Lucifer’s trust and sympathy. 

It felt like his insides were freezing when he realized that he had thrown away the one and only chance they might have had to somehow work everything out. Because, even if he said yes again now and gave Lucifer a vessel to fight Amara, the understanding Lucifer had once felt - and maybe the love too, Sam tried to hold onto the thought that he had loved him once desperately - was destroyed and there was only one of them to blame for that; Sam himself.


End file.
